"The Marleys were dead to begin with - as dead as a door-nail." So begins The Muppet Christmas Carol. My name is not Marley and I'm not a Muppet, but I am "as dead as a door-nail."
As this year is coming to a close, my life, as I have known it, it also coming to a close. I am in a death phase. Doors of all kinds are closing. It is time to let go of everything.
During my last trip to Sedona, I reluctantly went to a full moon ceremony with a friend who wanted to introduce me to the owners of the retreat where the ceremony was held. Participating in the ceremony was like pulling teeth for me - I just didn't want to do it. I understand the power of ceremony and I had my fill. "I don't need to tie a prayer bundle to set an intention", I thought. The owner who was leading the group was clearly a well-polished showman who, from what I had seen earlier in the evening, doesn't walk his talk. "Enough of ego-driven charlatans too!" I couldn't wait to leave. I reached my saturation point.
The next day I realized why I needed to go to the ceremony. I had to feel totally done with what going to that ceremony represented in my life, that my days of spiritual seeking and learning at that level are done. I let go of all attachments to what I think my spiritual work is or even doing any more spiritual work. I took a good long look at my life and woke up from some delusions.
This death phase has lasted so long and been so painful that all I can liken it to is a spaghetti western where a cowboy was shot and is taking his sweet time to die - twirling around, kicking his feet, and taking some long and painful last gasps. If I were a horse, someone would have put me out of my misery by now. It's a good thing I'm not packing a six iron.
I feel empty like someone picked me up and shook me upside down to get the last whatever out of me. I am hollow. Spent. Kaput. There is no more to give and at this moment, nothing to do. Perfect timing for a mercury retrograde period, don't you think?
In this strange spiral sine wave of life, I just hit the bottom of the trough. The good news is, of course, there is no where to go but up from here. Since much of November felt like a slow death and here we are into mid December, my concern is - how long is the trough? Oh and next week is a full moon lunar eclipse on the solstice! As Charlie Brown would say sarcastically, "Joy to the world."
Christmas is usually a time for miracles, light, and birth. I think we may need to wait until Epiphany for the birthing of the new since mercury doesn't go direct until December 30 and the new moon solar eclipse is on January 4. Yes, we should all have our own epiphany by then!
Meanwhile, I'm allowing all of the last remaining gunk to come up and out and making friends with my death phase. Out with the old and in with the new!
I will leave you with this song from Barry Manilow, "It's Just Another New Year's Eve." Let's take a moment and pat ourselves on the back for making it through this intense year. Enjoy my friends. May 2011 be kind to all of us.