The words "profound love" appeared very clearly in my mind just before I awoke Saturday morning. The word profound means "originating in or penetrating to the depths of one's being, pervasive, intense, thorough, and complete." Not coincidentally, this message came to me the morning after meeting my former partner in a rural section of Virginia.
In the past, I kept my relationships at arm's length and a "safe" distance from my heart. For me, to love someone was conditional on them behaving in a way that was acceptable to me. When they stepped over my line too many times, I stepped out. Commitment was based on contingencies. In past relationships, my fear, I thought, was if I step over their line, they will leave me. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that it wasn't my fear that my partner would leave, rather it was that I would leave. When the going got tough, I was gone. So was the case five years ago on Memorial Day weekend. Another full circle. Now I find myself opening my heart and life to staying the course, even when the going gets tough.
The going may get tough. If my intuition and that of two friends is correct, a life altering experience for my former partner may be just around the corner. Will I be there? Will she want me to be there? Again, all I can do is be in the moment and realize universe time is different from my current perception of time. In the grand scheme of things, around the corner may mean several weeks to several years.
If you read my last blog, you know that my former partner recently entered into a new love relationship. Despite the initial awkwardness of meeting my former partner's new love, I was able to detach and notice my behavior as well as theirs. As I did, I experienced several "ah-ha" moments about myself.
First, I now see how my life is out of balance. I've done much inner work and have formed quite a loving relationship with myself. However, I haven't allowed myself joy through loving another.
Second, I noticed my relationship skills are a little rusty. It has been five years since I have been in an intimate relationship and this weekend I got to feel the effects of that.
Third, I was able to open my heart to her current partner. I liked her immediately and I am grateful she is in her life now. My former partner is hiking the Appalachian trail and having a close buddy is important. I imagine hiking the trail is similar to being in the military. You tend to make close relationships fast because you know your life may depend on the other person.
Lastly, I opened my heart to loving what is. I love that my former partner is with this person for now. I love that I am grateful about the situation. I love that I spoke from my heart. Even though I feel we may be reunited again in some way, I love that I am unattached to the outcome.
Now I love to the depths of my being, intensely, thoroughly, completely, and profoundly. She must have felt that. For before we parted, she told me she loved me.
It is interesting that Virginia's slogan is "Virginia is for lovers." I surely benefited from the energy.
Joan Cerio - Keeper of the Keys to a Masterful Life
Life Lines - Publishing high vibrational words that serve as "lifelines" for self-transformation.